My last post on depression in some ways inspired this post. Re-reading that post reminded me of an incident in my first year of hostel life, or rather beginning of second year, the days during which my exam results were announced. I remember this because there was something about it which proved as a spark in my rebound from depression; it was not a special incident, and frankly nothing dramatic happened either – but somehow it is still etched in my memory.
It was the days during which our first semester results were going to be announced. Being the lazy sloth I was, and still under depression, I was frankly hoping against hope of clearing all my exams in one go – in fact if I did, then I would have been surprised. There was a surprise – no, a better word would be “shock†when the results came out. I had managed to fail in 4 subjects, and meagerly make it out in other three. Out of the 7 subjects that we gave, I had managed a feat of failing in 4, and failing badly at that. That probably was the pits when I was in depression. It was the end of the world as I saw it; Parents would be shocked and they would shout at me, I had figured, and frankly saw my whole life wasted out.
However, as Karan mentioned in my last post, there comes a point when you tend to be in depression so long that you actually begin to enjoy it! That was precisely beginning to happen – so I would harp on my achievements or lack of it in front of my friends; but secretly I would be sad and jealous that I couldn’t clear my exams as my both roommates had done (clearing the exam was the only priority then).
It was probably a few nights after the results, when I was still sulking, and it was after dinner, that my roommate said “Lets go for a walk!â€
The night was looking pretty nice with cool breeze blowing, with a sky full of stars. Hubli being a small town, it did not have that halogen glow over it restricting the view of stars - infact, the days we had a power loss, often we would sit out looking at the sky, full of stars - sometime you could make out the edges of the milky way.
“Sure†I said, not knowing why my roommate would ask me to go for a walk with him in the night (Why me?). As we left the building, we decided to take a circle around both our hostel and the senior hostel, and return to our hostel by road besides our sports ground.
For most part, I and my roommate didn’t talk much. It was as if we did not want to talk, but keep walking. As we reached the desolate part of the area between the ground and our hostel, he spoke up in Kannada: “You know, you really need to figure out what you are doing!â€
“What?†I quizzed him, instantly realizing the direction this discussion was headed to.
“Nothing – its about your results – you are down 4, you need to think about it†– He said. I smirked at that comment. He asked me then– “Do you want to tell me something?â€
“Tell you what?†I asked him, still trying to joke around, when he quipped – “Anything at all?â€
I don’t know why, and frankly I don’t even remember why after all these years, but I do remember this – at the end of it, the look on my roommate’s face was that of “I will never ask you this again!†– I remember telling him that night about my depression; I remember telling him how my life sucked, and how I had lost so many good things in life; I remember telling him too how I hated Hubli and wanted to be in Ahmedabad, and how I had been forced to be in Hubli by my parents; About the girl that I liked so much back then; About disappointing everyone around me; And about my disappointment that nobody really shouted at me or anything because I failed – I had expected it, but it didn’t happen.
Frankly I don’t even remember finishing off my story to him – after all it was not an endless walk to the hostel. All I remember though was that night I and my roommate became better friends; It was nearly 7 months we had been staying together, and we were good friends already, but that evening he became a better friend of mine; maybe because he just listened to what I had to say, without telling me what I needed to do.
Things didn’t change overnight in my life after that night, but that night helped me get some of my thoughts out in the wind. My roommates words didn’t necessarily change my attitude towards life dramatically the very next day either, but I guess somewhere along, it always remained that much needed impetus that was required to kick start a thinking process.
And it was neither the first walk we had gone after dinner, neither the last one we too. Usually three or four of us would go walking every night. But that night, it was just a walk, under the starry starry night.
————————————————————–
It took me another 2 years to get my backlogs over my back. And frankly that part itself is another story which I will put up sometime. However I never failed again throughout my engineering. At the peak of my engineering, in seventh semester I had topped couple of subjects not only in my college, but university as well. That night of the results, one person I would have loved to go for a walk lay smiling, six feet under.
Ouch! really, six feet under. Now thats one of the most depressing closing lines ever. Either that or I haven’t got the last line.
Thanks a lot for sharing this. Yes, just talking it all out normalises even the most shameful of experiences. Glad, you were surrounded by people who’d give an ear. I went through a very similar phase but there just wasn’t anyone who’d listen to my sob story (well I can be boring and too descriptive sometimes… so I don’t exactly blame them).
And I spent years bottling it all up, trying not to appear as a jerk to anyone around me until I couldn’t contain it and had to see a shrink secretly to spout it all out. And you won’t believe this but just a single 2 hr session changed my life.
So yea, venting all that dump of unconscious garbage by talking is indeed one of the best mechanism to deal with depression. The problem is, finding the people to vent it out on. Everyone’s too coiled up with their own bunch of struggles and they just don’t want to be around whining and moaning people. You are more likely to get a “Get a life!” response than “Go on… I am listening”. Which is the sad part of this fast 21st century life.
Although there are a few people who fall even deeper into the depression pit as they articulate one thought and another, and another. For these some, talking acts like focusing on those thoughts loudly–which is the worst thing you can do. So I think it is quite important to spit out what’s in your heart rather than trying to make sense of feelings/justifying your actions.
And yes, I learnt the biggest lesson of my life too… how important it is to listen to others’ problems.
Great read as I said.
Cheers!
Karan.
Well, this really made my eyes wet - I sweat, no kidding there! Last line, same reactions as Karan, or have I got it wrong?!?
This is so true! Talking/Sharing with someone who just listens without being judgemental has great effects!
Nirwa
Hmm.. I guess I need to say a few words about “the other” group of people too. All this based on my own experience..
Its not easy being a good listener. I know, it might appear to be nothing too complicated but its one of the toughest things in life. You need HUGE quantities of patience and compassion to do that. The problem arises when some people start taking your for granted. When some people start seeing you as a garbage can where they can dump their daily trash. In such times, you start questioning yourself or the validity of your actions “Do I really need this s**t?” Even the most hardline listener can come to a point where he says “You know, I got enough problems of my own. Get on with it!!” This becomes even more difficult when it concerns people you genuinely care about.
With time you learn to deal with this and not get affected. But it really takes a LOT out of you.
jedi
p.s. May your friend’s soul rest in peace.
Hmm… I share Karan’s thought on this. But well, you sometimes do need people just to hear you out, so that it is rather a process of talking to yourself than anyone else. I have been in that position a number of times myself, and I understand.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
@Karan: No mate, you didnt get it wrong. Yes, I think talking out your problem (whether the other guy wants to hear or not) makes a big difference. Of course it helps a lot if the other person simply listens and doesnt do anything other than that - I think its more of a mental peace of having told out everything that makes you feel better. But yes, it is very difficult to come accross people who are willing to listen - one of the many reasons why I remember that incident.
@Nirwa: You didnt get it wrong either. Not many know actually either. As above, yes it does make an effect talking to someone else.
@JeDI - You make a great point here, and perhaps this is why I remember the incident so much; that the other person had the capacity to simply listen is something which is a very very appreciative quality found in few people. I dont know myself if I would do the same in given situation - It does take a lot out of you too to listen to someone with problems, and I really do admire who do it - because inherently they are hearing someone out. Its a great quality, and perhaps more the reasons for me to remember.
@Sudipta: Thanks - yes, you definitely need ppl who will hear you out in life, and i have been lucky to be on both sides of the equation - as the listener and as the speaker. It has brought about a great change, is all I can say.
Suyog
Hmmm…sometimes a little seemingly insignificant question or a statement can trigger off a whole range of emotions, which could probably change your life:)
Hey now that’s a depressing end!
But atleast you friend can rest assured that walk never went waste and inspired such a beautiful post!
Hey Suyog !
Awesome post. Can relate 100% to what you wrote. Remember my final year in BCS and even though I had cleared all my papers in all years with just one blip(more due to ignorance than anything else) I was in the pits back then. The fact that the final year, no KTs allowed meant added pressure. I remember one or two days before the exam, I called up a friend and asked if we could hang out for a while. He came and we went and sat on a wall near our beloved football ground. He reminded me that it was my final year and its just one last time that I needed to go through the stress. Somehow those words were very comforting.
Another time, during MCS, same situation, I went out for walks everyday, even during exams. A friend gave me an immaculate piece of advice. He said something like “Why are oyu so stressed out about the exam? Just study as much as you can and give the exam. If you pass, great. If you don’t give the exam next sem”. Well, I know it might be a little stupid but it did help me realize that failing in an exam is not the last thing in life.
I do try and hang out with friends every evening. If I cant, I atleast chat with people whom I know on the internet since a long time.
There really are very few people who want to listen to your crap but I’ve noticed one thing - everyone has his/her own crap to tell. If you learn to be a good listener, the others will atleast try to make an effort to be the same.
Well written !!
RIP to your friend.
-PeAcE
–WiTh
—GuNs
@Guns: Thanks buddy. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful story with us all! It was beautiful to read your take.
Suyog
@Manasi: yes it was a depressing end, but in the end as you said, something that has remained.
@Puja: thanks pal.
Suyog
[...] Yesterday I recieved a beautiful email about a post that I made some weeks back. It makes me feel very happy that this post helped someone in some way. Thanks for sending this email, Renu. [...]
Hey… got to your blog via orkut…
Interesting.. I flunked in 6 subjects in my first semester
- maybe we should discuss more on this
Where do you work etc…
Amol Godbole
Rockville, MD (agodbole at gmail)
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