Stupendous Man

I hate going to doctors. Period. I just can’t stand any clinics, nor do I get any joy in sitting in front of a doctor who proceeds to tell me what is wrong with my body: “You have fever”.

Of course bumblehead, who would’ve thought? Why would I be in a doctor’s office otherwise if I didn’t know what I was feeling? Anyhow, after two frustrating visits to a doctor last few weeks, somewhere I have to let go – and you my dear readers are the guinea pigs to vent my frustration – tch! tch!

For all its medical marvel, USA is hopelessly lost when it comes to meeting your doctor. The fun usually begins on the phone:

Me: I would like to meet my doctor sometime – I have fever and wanted to see him.
Office Manager (usually a rude I-know-it-all type): Well the doctor’s calendar is full till next August… can you wait until then?

Me: Of course Queen Latifah, I am sure I could – will my virus wait though? More importantly will I survive though?
Office Manager: Sir, are you feeling sick?

Me: Of course not honey, I just felt like chirping on your window. Of course I am ill, and that’s the reason I want to see the doctor – he is supposed to be my primary care physician – if he can’t see me when I need him to, well what’s the use?!
Office Manager: Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes
Office Manager: Which company?

Me: Blah Blah
Office Manager: Can you give me the details?

Me More Blah
Office Manager: I will need to check up with insurance first if you are still valid, and then we can setup an appointment (meanwhile, if you die, best of luck).

After a while…

Office Manager: You can see the doctor at 9.15 am Friday morning.
Me: Oh thank you so much – I have hopes of survival.

Come Friday morning, here am I sitting in a dark stuffy place that looks straight out of Moby Dick Detective Office. Seriously, did the doctor get his roles confused – I wondered.

Again at the counter, I finally see the miss-I-know-it-all Office Manager (now referred as OM)

OM: You here to see the doctor?
Me: No I was just passing by, so I thought I would see your sweet little ruby face before I went ahead… but seriously of course!

OM: Sir, you need to fill in these three forms if you are first time patient… we also need you to verify your insurance and more blah.

After filling in the forms, OM refers me to take a seat.

9.15 turns to 10.30

Me, getting a little frustrated: Umm, when will I see the doctor?
OM: Oh, he’s running a little behind! We’ll call you once he’s ready… (hello, “ready”?)

11.45 am

OM: The doctor is ready to see you!

So after waiting more than 2 hours I finally get to meet my doctor face to face – but wait – there needs to be some drama before that. So before I meet the doctor, I am checked for my weight, my blood pressure, how much air goes into my lungs, how healthy is my heart, how good can I breathe – all of this which has nothing to do with the reason I came visiting: fever.

Which incidentally the doctor told me with much glee after waiting 2 and half hours: “You have fever”.

Anyhow, I take his prescription, and just as the doctor is about to end his pep talk about don’t do this, don’t eat that, do this, sleep there, drink that he slips:

“Oh by the way if this prescription doesn’t work out for you, you’ll need to see me again”

How lovely.

“And I think if you’ve not got a full physical and blood test, I suggest you get one next time – Since you said that you fell sick three times in the last month, we need to be sure if you are OK!”

My heart skips a beat here – just when I thought it was just “fever”, my doctor had to spoil it for me:

“If this medicine doesn’t cure you and you get fever again, then I think I am afraid something must have gone wrong with your immune system….so I suggest you get blood work done!”

Did he just say “immune system”? Hello hell-brother, anything related to immune system doesn’t sound nice. Thank you St. Peter, you have convinced me for blood work.

2 weeks later I am back again at my doctor’s office, today morning, for the bloody blood test. I have been advised to have absolutely nothing for 12 hours before the test – and since the appointment was at 11.15 am, I didn’t have tea, nor breakfast. So here was in doctor’s office again waiting for my turn:

Miss-know-it-all: You here to see the doctor?! (Ah, now I understand why she asks such questions).
Me: No – I am here for blood tests.

OM: Have a seat please, we’ll call you.

12.00 PM

Me: Well, umm when will I get to finish this? You see I haven’t eaten anything since last 14 hours and I am hungry…
OM: You are just next in line…

12.40 PM

OM: Sir, we are ready – please step in.

Now just as I step inside, the same routine begins:

OM: Please step on the weight scale…

Me: Listen – I just came in two weeks ago; nothing dramatic has happened – so how about you copying my last time results and we move ahead?
OM: We’ve to do it by protocol sir…

Me finally losing it: Lady, either you take my blood now, or I am going to have a burger!
OM: No problem sir – I don’t think you’ve changed much since last time. Lets go ahead…

So the burger threat worked – I smirked! So skipping past the few things, here am I again as a part of full physical, getting to know what my heart does in some form of EKG. So here am I on the table with electrodes all over my body, and the machine printing some wiggly lines all over it.

Me to OM: Do you know what it is?
OM: It is normal. Your heart is normal.

Me: How does an abnormal heart look?
OM: I don’t know sir –your doctor will tell you more…

Did she just say doctor? Hello, I was here to give my blood – not see my doctor. But no! Since I have entered the doctor’s premises, the doctor couldn’t let go off a quick chit chat would he?

So after donating quite some amount of blood and getting all the wiggly lines that mattered, I am sitting in my doctor’s office, who comes in after a good half hour. Time at this junction is 1.30, at which point I am completely famished.

“Good to see you again Suyog! How are you feeling now…? I remember you were feeling sick last time”

Me: That was the only reason I came here… hehe.

“Anyhow, lets look at your EKG Suyog – you see these wiggly lines, they tell us how your heart is functioning and how flow of blood goes through”

Now these squiggly lines looked anything but English to me – a blip here a dip there, but wiggly nonetheless, when the doctor points to repetitive sequence of small squiggly lines at the edge of big squiggly sine waves and says:

“Now these are some small lines which I am concerned about Suyog!”

Hell no! Not again.

“You see in medical industry we try to standardize every parameter of human body – like weight of body, height and all. Similarly we are now starting to standardize the normal position of heart in the body…”

Did he just say “position of heart”? This better be good…

The doctor then proceeded to draw a normal parabolic curve and indicated – “95% of people fall in the normal range, while there are a few people who are still normal and yet fall out of this range…”

“These lines seem to indicate that your heart is not exactly in left of your body, maybe a little off”

HELLO!

“And you see this second blip on the wave here – this indicates that the flow of current also turned inward – which would indicate that your heart is also a little tilted towards inside… you get what I am saying?”

HELL NO! My heart – tilted? The images of my heart dangling loose by some veins and finding support at base of my lungs immediately came into my mind… what if my veins didn’t hold up…no!”

“So I think we should go ahead and do a detailed sonogram of your heart and a detailed EKG. I am sure there is nothing to worry here, but I just want to see if this is a point of concern…”

“Of course doctor – what do I need to do?” (Ah, the doctor has succeeded in his diabolical plan by now)

“Nothing just take an appointment and come over… by that time your blood tests will also have come up and we can talk in detail…”

So finally at 2.00 pm, I am back with the OM.

OM: You need another appointment?!
Me: No. You look so ethereal, so I just wanted to stare at you for a few more minutes…

OM: The next available appointment is in August!

Wait. Isn’t that what she said last time too? But this time I was glad than ever.

“Of course – no problem honey. I am ready to wait. August it is!”

So, 4 weeks from now I am going back, yet again, to my doctor’s office to confirm if my heart is really tilted or not. For 27 years of my existence I thought my heart was valiant, brave, withered all storms, survived heartbreaks, obesity and the likes. And now, I realize how a precarious life it has led to make me survive. I owe my heart a lot.

And now I need to know if the poor thing is not dangling for its life. Jeez! I hate doctors.