Stupendous Man

Ever gone to a Wal-Mart, a Target or Costco on a weekend? What do you see? Singles? Families? No. You will see hordes and hordes of newly-wed desi couples looking at every single thing on every single aisle with utmost interest and awe, noting down prices, making a mental calculation “My grocery store sells 1 Heinz Ketchup for 4$ – I can get three for the same price here!”, and then not buying it, because they already have 5 more left of the pack they bought 6 months ago.

And if there is something of interest that they do want to buy for their house, do they?

No.

“BJs is right around the corner – may be we should check there first before buying this here honey! If its cheaper, then we can surely drive back!”

ARRRGH!

Welcome to newly wed desi couple’s life in America.

Right after they marry till the time they have a child, most newly wed desi couples spend endless hours deciding if Rosso corsa red or Fuchsia red carpet would complement their bottle green theme of the living room. It doesn’t matter if the only thing bottle green in the living room is the vase.

“Everything else is a shade of bottle green! You men won’t understand it!”
“I think the vase looks green because of the green stems in it – that’s why its called bottle-green isn’t it?”
“Shut up. Leave this to us women!”

Having decided that either of the colors would complement well, what do they do? They buy both of them, lay out both of them, spend twiddling hours deciding which one complements the theme more, and decide to take one of them because “The other one has a maroon border, which doesn’t match our theme!”

However it doesn’t end there.

“Last week we were at this store, and wow, I just found the burnt siena red I was looking for to match my bottle green theme! So we are going to return our carpet and buy that one”

Another thing the newly wed desi couples immediately master in: returning, buying, and returning stuff. They can do this endlessly, week after week, month after month, without any kind of boredom setting in.

“How about sky diving this Saturday?”
“No man, I and my wife need to visit Ikea to return the lamps we bought last week. We got some new lamps from Bova last week and they look much better, so we might as well return Ikea stuff”
“How about golf later on in evening?”
“Actually there’s a summer sale going on at Kohl’s. She got this new top last week, but that same top is now on sale this week. So we’ll probably go there from Ikea to return those tops and buy the new ones!”
“Lets meet up for dinner then”
“Let us see – we also need to go to Wal-Mart and buy some household stuff. If we make it in time, let us meet!”

However, buying things for the house that they like doesn’t mean they will keep it. After all others must like it too; if not, its going back to the store to be replaced.

“What do you think of this painting?”
“This? (Looking dazed at something)?”
“Yes?!”
“It looks like a collage of rotten eggs of various degree of rottenness”
“Rubbish! It’s a collage of marbles of different shapes and colors – rotten eggs?!”
“Oh! Marbles is it? They look too huge to be marbles – I think they look more like rotten eggs”
“Are you serious? My hubby said the same thing – they look too big for marbles…. But what makes you think they look like eggs?! Disgusting”
(Looking at hubby)
“Honey, what do you think – should we return it and pick up that other one we’d seen with flowers?”

A few days later, sure enough a new painting is up.

“What do you think now?”
“Umm… it’s a little too flowery!”
“What do you mean?!”
“Well, all you have is stems in that vase of yours, but you have flowers all over the painting – is that intentional?”
“They are not stems – they grow!”
“They do?”
“Yes, but how is this painting”
“Look at this flower – its almost the size of Antarctica. I think your rotten eggs looked better!”
“You’re so mean”
(Looking at hubby)
“I was telling you! We should have never returned it! Now we don’t know if it will still be there…”

However its not just shopping bug that affects the newly married couples.  Laundry is another area where even the newly married guys get trained in.

At the laundry:

“Dude, two loads?”
“Yeah man – the whites should be washed separate and the colors separately!”
“And I assume you will dry them also separately?”
“Of course – you don’t want the colors mixing”
“What’s that?”
“That – its called Bounce. You put one tissue in the dryer, and your clothes become “smoother” after drying up – its really awesome”
“Man you are actually going to pay twice for cleaning and drying – I could have bought a 6-pack with it!”
“Karna padtha hain man…”

But there are some advantages too of having a newly married couple nearby – there is always something to eat at their house, whether you are hungry or not.

“Want Halwa? I made it for him and made a lot of it!”
“You havvve to taste the Channa I made yesterday – too good!”
“Why don’t you make him taste that barfi you made – you will have no? You cannot say no – she will get angry”

Or drink…

“Do you want to drink something?”
“Yes how about…”
“…Tea? I knew you would say that – he doesn’t like tea. But you do – lets have tea and Jeera cookies I got from Indian store last week!”
(To myself)  “….a beer”
Hubby (hopefully): “I think he meant a beer” (so that he could grab one too)
“No, he wants Tea… say you want tea, because I want to drink tea!”

Newly weds in America also have everyone and their grandmother to visit on their weekends. So if they are not shopping returning or buying something, they are either inviting people to a boring party they host, or a getting invited to an equally boring party by someone else! (Note – in these parties, they never their friends [thankfully], but their dhoor ke sagevaale who couldn’t make it to their wedding, or some old aunty who was never important to them in bachelor life, but now they must seek their blessings after marriage and types. And usually its those aunty-uncle type parties they get invited to).

But before inviting or going to a party, another round of shopping ensues:

“What should we gift them? What did they gift us?!”
“They didn’t? Oh yeah, we are meeting for the first time – what do you think they will gift us?”
“Lets not take something very expensive”

And a day later….

“We got a gift for them yesterday, but I think its inappropriate; so we are returning it and buying something else!”

And then when you have your parties. Yes, the kind of parties you and your friends have when you do finally meet them on weekends – expect the newly wed couples to always cozy up to each other and sit as close as possible. They have to tell you about how they met, how he occupies three fourths of the bed, and how she feels cold even in 80 degree temperatures, and how they always fight when its raining, and make up once its stops raining, and how he has no sense of taste and keeps on watching TV, and she takes an eternity to dress up. All the while, the other newly wed couples will listen to it with utmost interest and happiness, then take it upon themselves to recite the exact same things the previous couple said, so by the time they come to you, you are already saccharine with the sugar floating around.

This is usually followed by a quizzical look and a question:

“When will you marry – we need another couple to share their stories now!”

Postscript:

I am not married.
I am not in a hurry.